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Archive for August, 2015

Nowhere Wiser

Nowhere Wiser

Like anybody else, I learned firsthand on how dangerous the game of feeling a long time ago. I was sure i’m not gonna tread the same path of my foolishness. I wish i wouldn’t experience the shitty days of heartbroken state. But bloody hell, here we goes, i’m falling in the same hole again, and it hits pretty HARD.

After some years later.

The girl (let’s just call her Strawberry).
Now, my second crush is identical to my first, generally average girl, clever to handle herself around the people, doesn’t feel embarrassed of any silly things she do, doesn’t fake herself with abundant ego, almost carefree attitude, she doesn’t care if anyone gossiping her. Not fair if i state only her positive points, she had some drawbacks too, she is easily accepting stranger, thus, the affection from other peoples are warmly welcomed by her, often leads to semi-romantic connection. Being in conserved family, sometimes she had a hard time to reason radical thinking.

I didn’t develop feelings for her at first. In fact i helped one of my friend -let’s just call him Hershey- to match him with Strawberry. Me and my accomplice setting them up and made appointment for him. Because Hershey is shyboy, we feel happy to help him with Strawberry.

Now because the disadvantages of Hershey’s shyness, interaction between me, my accomplice and Strawberry are much more frequent than Hershey himself, you could say we know Strawberry better than Hershey, -the man that supposedly close to her-. I doubt that Hershey will appreciate her awesomeness.

Hershey talked to us that he will confess to her shortly, and we feel happy for him, i’m grateful all those appointment, all those set up are worth something.

Life is great when everything falls into places, but no.
Strawberry, my-not-yet-second-crush, that awesome average girl, are being confessed by some guy other than Hershey. Imagine how broken Hershey was. I don’t know Hershey pretty well, but i know how heartbroke feels. Since the cause of getting Hershey close to Strawberry is lost, me and my accomplice are moving away from Strawberry.
Our efforts to make a deeper relationship for Hershey and Strawberry are quite frequent. Boy, after we took some distance, i kinda missed her a lot, she may or may not notice the motive behind why we got close to her at first, she only missed us as hangout buddies. Why would she bother hanging out with us anymore since she got better things to do (i.e. hook with her new boyfriend?). Then she ask our numbers and any social media account to keep in touch. Again, in social attempt, it’s rare for girls to ask boys first. So i feel honored, i feel getting noticed.

MY FAULT.

Without motive of doing a favor for Hershey, hanging out with Strawberry, she starts growing on me, i crossed the line that used to be taboo for matchmaker, such as asking her to hangout, pick her up, took her home, -as friends-, since she already have boyfriend, i didn’t have any guilty feeling and pressure, i wasn’t intended to ask her out anyway.
But one day, she pursued career path the same as my first crush, so follows, Strawberry reminds me about my first crush several years ago. Then i realized, Strawberry looks and feels similar to my first crush! Those smile, those laugh, those scent, those hair, cheeks. Oh God.

Enter the dark jealousy.

Why the hell suddenly i feel so jealous if i saw Strawberry with her boyfriend?
Why i feel Hershey shouldn’t have her?
Why i feel sad if i watch her laughing in her phone?
She starts to grew on me, why i took interest in what she’d do everyday?
Why i keep thinking about her while i’m doing something?
Why the feeling buried several years ago begin emerging?
Maybe it’s the second chance for me to redeem the previously failed attempt few years ago?
I was sure she is the sign.
I keep telling myself “DON’T”, the other me told otherwise. I have a BAD feeling about this if i keep this agonizing relationship.

The stupid part of me took over quickly, so i opened the gate of sorrow.

I’m stalking her through social media,
to find Strawberry’s birthday is the same as my first crush.
I’m looking Strawberry’s boyfriend appearance is almost the same as my first crush’s husband.
Their starting relationship date is the same as my first crush wedding day.

Help me. I’m crawling into apocalypse days.
Divine punishment is real.

Update 01:
Strawberry’s boyfriend proposed yesterday, since they’ve known for more than 6 years, they practically couple, so they don’t need to hook up for a long time. Strawberry told us all with starry eyes and those familiar heavenly smile, and told us all that her boyfriend planning their big day as the same as their starting relationship date.
Fuck. Me. Broken. Again!!?
Even one of my friend who haven’t seen me in weeks noticed if something wrong with me after hearing that news. That i’m staring at blank space often, cannot receive conversations well, more quiet. When i met my mom recently, even though i acted normally, she asked me instantly “who’s dead?”… hmph, motherly senses, i’ll give her that.

It’s me mom, i’m dying inside.

Here we comes the days of sorrow. Deleting Strawberry’s conversations, photos, mementos, account notifications, with hesitation. Avoiding her like crazy, making excuses to not to meet her to hangouts, and the most difficult one: erase the love memories from every inch of her.
Depression spikes hard when my mind randomly thinks about them dating, what would they do? what topics do they talk? does it like the same when i’m dating Strawberry before? am i gonna be invited to their big day? should i come? what it feels like to cuddling and make love with Strawberry? what they name their children then?
It hits me hard SECOND TIME.
Don’t even think about healing days,, i’m still not over it.

MY FAULT.

Update 02:
I’m trying my best to avoid contact with Strawberry,, but there are some official meeting that made me to meet some of our friends, Strawberry is one among them. God i miss her, she looks sweeter by the day, if there are way to get out from that place, i’d do it, cause i looked miserable and i want to cry.

Update 03:
Few months later, after i decided to they’re already post their pre wedding photos. Weeks later, no invitation. Okay, blood alcohol days are coming.

I’m such a loser.

Update 04:
Desperate to vent out, i talked with one of my friends about my mistakes. As expected, their answer is basically just move on, forget her and enjoy life, eventually we’ll develop immunity from rejections and failures. They’re not wrong, but i wish it’s that easy.
The days of their profile pics together updated daily suddenly become staple, it took a long time to build tolerance but the faint sore still lingering.

I guess this is the healing days, until then, my interest in romantic relationship are dormant for however long it will took, though i suspect it will be in two years (based as in my previous relationship) until i’m ready to accept other romantic connection.

7 Aug ’15