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Archive for March, 2015

Don’t Give Up

Don’t Give Up

sweet quote!
“i’m not afraid to admit to the world that i love you,    i’m just afraid to admit it to you”

This story from several years ago,
the weird energy that drives people mad, making them to do some unreasonable stuff.
The agony that feels right in the guts.

(i’m going to get all mushy-mushy here, i’m desperate with no one to talk about)

I used to not afraid of anything. Nothing really mattered.
Every problems is easy to solve. Every unsolved problems is easy to ignore.
Failure is always an option. I have nothing to lose.
I was invincible.

Until i develop feelings for “her”

in one big circle of relationship, one of the most attractive persons always caught in some people attention. Me too, because physical being is the first i notice, naturally i should be attracted to one of them hotties right? But no.
There was this extremely average girl with no feats whatsoever, but her personality, how she handles herself, how she interact with her surroundings, caught my eyes. Weird feelings about her, i should be attracted to her friends which are hotter, bustier, prettier and smarter, instead i fell for her for unknown reasons.

I fantasize to other girls and women just fine, but why the hell i cannot fantasize her? why i didn’t have heart to even fantasize her in my naughty head? It’s kinda happy enough imagining hugging her or  just to be close. So this is how fell in love feels.

Well, the first days are filled with flowery thoughts. Her face is everywhere when i’m doing anything.
The next dozen days are bliss, doing everything fun with her, texting at the middle of the night, suddenly i became a poet.

In weeks. I’m doing anything crazy for her, memorizing her complete address, phones, email, her license plate, any identification numbers on her like afraid i’m gonna lose her. I became very different person just to see her laugh. I pushed myself to do everything just to impress her. Her feedback is amazing, such as always asking why i couldn’t came to whatever occasions.

One of our friends is a gifted fortune teller using tarot card medium, the thing is, he’s not just predict the future, but present time condition as well. His tricks are let his friends shuffling the cards according to their significant other’s name syllables and thinking about them deeply. You have to stay true to your heart. So when you’re shuffling  thinking about Malena Morgan, fat chance you’re going to get random shits. Now when we’re gathered around him checking his accuracy, i’d say it’s about 90% !

Guy number 1 shuffling some random pornstar – result is a “meeting that never happening”
Guy number 2 shuffling his already girlfriend – i swear the result is always represent “already in love”
Guy number 3 shuffling his date for month – the result is random between “close enough”, “family problem”, or often “just leave her”.

Why i’d say his accuracy is 90%, first, because none of the guys above are complaining. Usually when i love my date partner, i would be offended if they judge us otherwise. Second, i shuffled randomly, the result is also random. Then i shuffled her name and thinking her deep down. The result is love, that gypsy boy told me “heeyy, you already establishing some relationship, the two of you are made for each other, why the hell you shuffled different girls?”.

Stunned, i believe she is my matching soul.

Months passed, filled with lovely energy. The next months, seeds of corruption seeping in, i became jealous much, i couldn’t take it when she flirted with another men, i jellied hard when she sit beside another men, i only imagine the horrors when she giggled through her phone messages. And the last straw was when she talked with another men in which i don’t know him, whispering, flirty smiling, almost as if they are a couple.

He cannot have her!  She is mine!  We were made for each other! I really should asked her out soon!

That exact night, i couldn’t sleep, dark thoughts are weavering my brain cortex.
Who was he? Why did she talking to him like that? Her brother? Why’d they whispering?

Days after her behaviours, my mind is completely going off, i was madly in love, at the same time pulled in by jealousy. Just to complete the breakdown, “that guy” now hanging out with us. I’m doing some crazy things such as, if just the two of them are eating or hanging out, i’d make sure i came along, just to make sure the agonizing things didn’t happen. Then it’s like competition of who made the best impressions for her. At one time i feel defeated, depressed and ready to give her up, i saw her face, her smile again and again, which gave me strength to go on, back to depressed, then back to jacked up. Up and down, up and down, my emotion was unstable, trust me, it’s the shittiest days ever, i kinda regretted why did i ever leave my melancholia codex. Those beautiful months are replaced by a few days of sorrow. I could not enjoy any good foods, could not entertain myself with whatever stuff, movies, games, comics. I imagining her and “that guy” kissing, having sex, becoming wonderful couple, starting a family. The more i thought about her, more pain my heart got.

Commence facebook stalking! i wanted to know, what kind of man “that guy” is, to my shock, somehow i learnt that he is into another girl, what the hell? did “that guy” purposely leaving his girl to embrace my matching soul! You bloody son of a bitch!
Did she worth that much! (well yes, i chose her).

Now the pain are nearing the climax,,, here we goes the plot twist,,,

All this time, she got close to me, to get along with my friend, in order to get to know “that guy”, and the purpose of “that guy” is to know everything about some another guy.

Her actual crush.

Guess what, she sported some of my methods to stalk her crush, you know, memorizing his id, his ride, his personal infos, like she’s gonna lose him someday.
Then when she’s going to announce to all of her buddies, that she’s going to confess. It is unusual for girls to confess to boys in my neighborhood, means she must be going crazy about her crush.

aaaaand the sudden solid stab to my internal.
Why didn’t i confess to her sooner? I was afraid, i’m just an average guy, with nothing to brag about, but so does her. Thats why we were compatible. A family with dysfunctional father keep haunting me to get even as far as asked her out.
My fault.
You will learn hard-way, face-first, no-nonsense about Heartbroken.

Pain is just too simple word for passing days with heartbroken state. Since the relationship between me and my-now-have-boyfriend-crush is close, she was able to sense anything wrong with me. So putting the fake happy face and the fake i’m fine attitude, is hell of a job. Time will heal everything, but to go through that healing process, i literally became frigid. No females caught my attention, no idols are ever attractive than her. I just want her.

No matter how hard i hid my emotion, she sensed something wrong about me, to cover my true feeling about her, i lied to her about how hard is it to find a better and decent job.

“don’t give up,
I know you are strong”

No you don’t know me sweetcake, i’m not as strong as you thought.
I swear i want to cry hard. My foolishness brought my own sorrow.
Remember, i tried to impress her, making her smiled, laughed, by become another personalities. Now the cause is lost, i’m back to my old pitiful self, the sulky me. I’m trying hard to ignore about her ignoring me, because obviously she had another thing to do.

My other wish of finding a better job is fortunately granted. I drowned myself into work matters, eventually forgetting her. The last painful thing to do is erasing her trace of memories. Photos, contacts, conversations history, presents, anything sweet. Part of me is afraid of losing even her memories, because the actual her is already taken. No further thought, i deleted memories of her and regret about it later. Good thing the workplace concerns are replacing her smiling face gradually, slowly, i found another activities to keep me busy and build my ignorance of her.

I don’t know if it is cruel fate or something, but years of healing are nearly botched by constant reminder of her, she became a successful role model that local TV and newspaper worth to mention her name. So i did choose her wisely, and here i am, still rummaging day by day through 9 to 5 average job. I should be glad because she is more successful than me, imagine how embarassed her publicly cause her matching soul is just some average guy which is not comparable by her awesomeness. But deep down, i still want her, whatever she do, whatever i do.
Here we goes the depression weeks, with helps from unthinkable factor, sweet memories about her are slowly diluted.

Years later, she is married, i didn’t get the invitation, all of her buddies got one, except me. Weird, I didn’t feel as much pain as years before. One of our buddies of the past  -let’s just call her Visia-  asked me to come, i already told her i didn’t get the invitation, Visia insist that i came with her as her couple, the invitation is always for couple. Visia turned out knows about my feeling towards my-now-married-crush, Visia feels to have the obligation as friends, as tribute to love, tribute to the past friendship, to ease the pain, to begin with sweetness one should end with sweetness.

As the occasion went, finally i had to congratulate her. She must’ve thought that i wouldn’t be there, her face turned from smiling widely to all serious, without words, i make the “don’t-worry-be-the-smiling-person-i-always-known-you-it’s-your-wedding-day-after-all-face”, and then she goes the “holding-smile-face-eyebrow-down”, somehow i know she’s trying to say it again through her eyes.

“don’t give up,
I know you are strong”

That moment is precious to me, warm feeling through my gut, no more pain through my heart, somehow i know it’s a sign that i moved on successfully, i got a feeling my crush now know how i longed her before, maybe Visia told her, and even if she never know anyway, that’s okay. I’m healed.

Thanks Visia.

And thanks ‘You’ little smiling devil.

12 Mar ’15