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Archive for February, 2015



The purpose of failure and the sense of defeat are important for self-improving stuff. Still, i take it hard, from what i called “critical defeat”.
So, there is a friend known for a long time, let’s call it “Raum”, we have a similar interest in many stuff, without overly-thinking, that reason alone is enough to get along with that person many times in many occasions. Fun pal, we’ve known our habits, this and that. I admit in some way Raum is waayy better than me, when we gathers with all our buddies, it’s kinda balancing each others, i have something Raum don’t have and i know Raum doesn’t need it. Either way, most important possesion considered by vanilla society braggable that Raum have doesn’t make me compete and jealous.

Until one day.

We were picking up our buddy for a movie in one of our friend’s place that looks like a small lounge, we saw that his father/mother is a musician / church choir, based on the displayed items there. Either if our friend have the worst constipation ever or just busy made us waiting for few hours. Our time-waster-dick-jokes & topics are depleted, we decided to fool around trying each musical tools there one by one like an idiot, after all it’s not quite silent there anyway, some kind of live band & theatrical rehearsal are playing in next room.

A whole minute later, Raum snatched one of the electric guitar and saying “hey look, check this out”. Still took Raum as a retard, i commenting about police will drag you pantless if he ever touch anything that doesn’t belong to him.
With slight tricky smile and slowly shaken head, Raum pick the riff, start blasting off the cover from some anime show i used to watch in which Raum watched it too, while blasting different tunes, Jimi Hendrix’s Voodoo Child, video game themes, local bands riffs, while asking if i recognized those tunes.

That… display of skills.
The wave of jealousy possessing my body starting from my ear, the steaming energy of enviousness overflowing on my nerves.
Holy Goddess of Metal Guitarist! What Raum just did, although still in rookie scale, Immersed me to no end.

Our friend shows up, just before Raum ends the play, also stunned. I cannot comprehend our conversation well on the way to the movie, I was distracted on how I actually clueless about nerdy Raum, suddenly I feel beta as fuck, unable to contribute to the discussion with clear voice and well thought comments.

Had a difficult time to sleep night after, wandering my thought, why so sudden anxiety. When I realized, cool human skills are what I really want, an upgrade, a new talent. I’m sucker for those. I found my own nerve button. I know Raum wasn’t born gifted or pre-pubescent trained. Maybe I watched Raum’s instant before-after transformation without the process.

Primordial soup brewing in my very cortex. Imagining myself able to play any instruments. What would i play first? I love videogames music, which one i want first? Violinist Taylor Davis comes into mind, she covers videogames and anime themes for fun. Then there’s this guy Tamusic, Japanese doujin artist which covers shooter-videogames-pop-culture Touhou series themes, which i love it A LOT. What about composers i like, Yoko Shimomura, Hans Zimmerman, Yuyoyuppe, Harry Gregson Williams. A movie catchy themes, a cover for metal bands, or rock one? Black Sabbath, Metallica, 30 Seconds to mars, Alexis on fire, RHCP. Or how about just mainstream popular song. I will appear at Yahoo’s front page, discussed at forums, anons will decide what should i make next, Philharmonic Orchestra sending open recruitment from different countries. Creating scores for hollywood, bollywood, tamil, french indies, korean dramas, japanese tokusatsu series, Chinese Kung-fu movies, Australian discovery channels. Making a rock band with cute female lead, videogame companies will make badass games based on our band members, which critics loved and creating cult in selected fans. Eventually the seeds of a new talents will rise and giving covers to our bands. Then we guest starring the Ellen DeGeneres, attending Woodstock, creating online contest. Wow, infinite path for the sake of fun, fame and dollars.

A big sigh followed after. Imagining things are sure great.

I’ve never been so jelly.

5 Feb ’15