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Nowhere Wiser

Nowhere Wiser

Like anybody else, I learned firsthand on how dangerous the game of feeling a long time ago. I was sure i’m not gonna tread the same path of my foolishness. I wish i wouldn’t experience the shitty days of heartbroken state. But bloody hell, here we goes, i’m falling in the same hole again, and it hits pretty HARD.

After some years later.

The girl (let’s just call her Strawberry).
Now, my second crush is identical to my first, generally average girl, clever to handle herself around the people, doesn’t feel embarrassed of any silly things she do, doesn’t fake herself with abundant ego, almost carefree attitude, she doesn’t care if anyone gossiping her. Not fair if i state only her positive points, she had some drawbacks too, she is easily accepting stranger, thus, the affection from other peoples are warmly welcomed by her, often leads to semi-romantic connection. Being in conserved family, sometimes she had a hard time to reason radical thinking.

I didn’t develop feelings for her at first. In fact i helped one of my friend -let’s just call him Hershey- to match him with Strawberry. Me and my accomplice setting them up and made appointment for him. Because Hershey is shyboy, we feel happy to help him with Strawberry.

Now because the disadvantages of Hershey’s shyness, interaction between me, my accomplice and Strawberry are much more frequent than Hershey himself, you could say we know Strawberry better than Hershey, -the man that supposedly close to her-. I doubt that Hershey will appreciate her awesomeness.

Hershey talked to us that he will confess to her shortly, and we feel happy for him, i’m grateful all those appointment, all those set up are worth something.

Life is great when everything falls into places, but no.
Strawberry, my-not-yet-second-crush, that awesome average girl, are being confessed by some guy other than Hershey. Imagine how broken Hershey was. I don’t know Hershey pretty well, but i know how heartbroke feels. Since the cause of getting Hershey close to Strawberry is lost, me and my accomplice are moving away from Strawberry.
Our efforts to make a deeper relationship for Hershey and Strawberry are quite frequent. Boy, after we took some distance, i kinda missed her a lot, she may or may not notice the motive behind why we got close to her at first, she only missed us as hangout buddies. Why would she bother hanging out with us anymore since she got better things to do (i.e. hook with her new boyfriend?). Then she ask our numbers and any social media account to keep in touch. Again, in social attempt, it’s rare for girls to ask boys first. So i feel honored, i feel getting noticed.


Without motive of doing a favor for Hershey, hanging out with Strawberry, she starts growing on me, i crossed the line that used to be taboo for matchmaker, such as asking her to hangout, pick her up, took her home, -as friends-, since she already have boyfriend, i didn’t have any guilty feeling and pressure, i wasn’t intended to ask her out anyway.
But one day, she pursued career path the same as my first crush, so follows, Strawberry reminds me about my first crush several years ago. Then i realized, Strawberry looks and feels similar to my first crush! Those smile, those laugh, those scent, those hair, cheeks. Oh God.

Enter the dark jealousy.

Why the hell suddenly i feel so jealous if i saw Strawberry with her boyfriend?
Why i feel Hershey shouldn’t have her?
Why i feel sad if i watch her laughing in her phone?
She starts to grew on me, why i took interest in what she’d do everyday?
Why i keep thinking about her while i’m doing something?
Why the feeling buried several years ago begin emerging?
Maybe it’s the second chance for me to redeem the previously failed attempt few years ago?
I was sure she is the sign.
I keep telling myself “DON’T”, the other me told otherwise. I have a BAD feeling about this if i keep this agonizing relationship.

The stupid part of me took over quickly, so i opened the gate of sorrow.

I’m stalking her through social media,
to find Strawberry’s birthday is the same as my first crush.
I’m looking Strawberry’s boyfriend appearance is almost the same as my first crush’s husband.
Their starting relationship date is the same as my first crush wedding day.

Help me. I’m crawling into apocalypse days.
Divine punishment is real.

Update 01:
Strawberry’s boyfriend proposed yesterday, since they’ve known for more than 6 years, they practically couple, so they don’t need to hook up for a long time. Strawberry told us all with starry eyes and those familiar heavenly smile, and told us all that her boyfriend planning their big day as the same as their starting relationship date.
Fuck. Me. Broken. Again!!?
Even one of my friend who haven’t seen me in weeks noticed if something wrong with me after hearing that news. That i’m staring at blank space often, cannot receive conversations well, more quiet. When i met my mom recently, even though i acted normally, she asked me instantly “who’s dead?”… hmph, motherly senses, i’ll give her that.

It’s me mom, i’m dying inside.

Here we comes the days of sorrow. Deleting Strawberry’s conversations, photos, mementos, account notifications, with hesitation. Avoiding her like crazy, making excuses to not to meet her to hangouts, and the most difficult one: erase the love memories from every inch of her.
Depression spikes hard when my mind randomly thinks about them dating, what would they do? what topics do they talk? does it like the same when i’m dating Strawberry before? am i gonna be invited to their big day? should i come? what it feels like to cuddling and make love with Strawberry? what they name their children then?
It hits me hard SECOND TIME.
Don’t even think about healing days,, i’m still not over it.


Update 02:
I’m trying my best to avoid contact with Strawberry,, but there are some official meeting that made me to meet some of our friends, Strawberry is one among them. God i miss her, she looks sweeter by the day, if there are way to get out from that place, i’d do it, cause i looked miserable and i want to cry.

Update 03:
Few months later, after i decided to they’re already post their pre wedding photos. Weeks later, no invitation. Okay, blood alcohol days are coming.

I’m such a loser.

Update 04:
Desperate to vent out, i talked with one of my friends about my mistakes. As expected, their answer is basically just move on, forget her and enjoy life, eventually we’ll develop immunity from rejections and failures. They’re not wrong, but i wish it’s that easy.
The days of their profile pics together updated daily suddenly become staple, it took a long time to build tolerance but the faint sore still lingering.

I guess this is the healing days, until then, my interest in romantic relationship are dormant for however long it will took, though i suspect it will be in two years (based as in my previous relationship) until i’m ready to accept other romantic connection.

7 Aug ’15
Don’t Give Up

Don’t Give Up

sweet quote!
“i’m not afraid to admit to the world that i love you,    i’m just afraid to admit it to you”

This story from several years ago,
the weird energy that drives people mad, making them to do some unreasonable stuff.
The agony that feels right in the guts.

(i’m going to get all mushy-mushy here, i’m desperate with no one to talk about)

I used to not afraid of anything. Nothing really mattered.
Every problems is easy to solve. Every unsolved problems is easy to ignore.
Failure is always an option. I have nothing to lose.
I was invincible.

Until i develop feelings for “her”

in one big circle of relationship, one of the most attractive persons always caught in some people attention. Me too, because physical being is the first i notice, naturally i should be attracted to one of them hotties right? But no.
There was this extremely average girl with no feats whatsoever, but her personality, how she handles herself, how she interact with her surroundings, caught my eyes. Weird feelings about her, i should be attracted to her friends which are hotter, bustier, prettier and smarter, instead i fell for her for unknown reasons.

I fantasize to other girls and women just fine, but why the hell i cannot fantasize her? why i didn’t have heart to even fantasize her in my naughty head? It’s kinda happy enough imagining hugging her or  just to be close. So this is how fell in love feels.

Well, the first days are filled with flowery thoughts. Her face is everywhere when i’m doing anything.
The next dozen days are bliss, doing everything fun with her, texting at the middle of the night, suddenly i became a poet.

In weeks. I’m doing anything crazy for her, memorizing her complete address, phones, email, her license plate, any identification numbers on her like afraid i’m gonna lose her. I became very different person just to see her laugh. I pushed myself to do everything just to impress her. Her feedback is amazing, such as always asking why i couldn’t came to whatever occasions.

One of our friends is a gifted fortune teller using tarot card medium, the thing is, he’s not just predict the future, but present time condition as well. His tricks are let his friends shuffling the cards according to their significant other’s name syllables and thinking about them deeply. You have to stay true to your heart. So when you’re shuffling  thinking about Malena Morgan, fat chance you’re going to get random shits. Now when we’re gathered around him checking his accuracy, i’d say it’s about 90% !

Guy number 1 shuffling some random pornstar – result is a “meeting that never happening”
Guy number 2 shuffling his already girlfriend – i swear the result is always represent “already in love”
Guy number 3 shuffling his date for month – the result is random between “close enough”, “family problem”, or often “just leave her”.

Why i’d say his accuracy is 90%, first, because none of the guys above are complaining. Usually when i love my date partner, i would be offended if they judge us otherwise. Second, i shuffled randomly, the result is also random. Then i shuffled her name and thinking her deep down. The result is love, that gypsy boy told me “heeyy, you already establishing some relationship, the two of you are made for each other, why the hell you shuffled different girls?”.

Stunned, i believe she is my matching soul.

Months passed, filled with lovely energy. The next months, seeds of corruption seeping in, i became jealous much, i couldn’t take it when she flirted with another men, i jellied hard when she sit beside another men, i only imagine the horrors when she giggled through her phone messages. And the last straw was when she talked with another men in which i don’t know him, whispering, flirty smiling, almost as if they are a couple.

He cannot have her!  She is mine!  We were made for each other! I really should asked her out soon!

That exact night, i couldn’t sleep, dark thoughts are weavering my brain cortex.
Who was he? Why did she talking to him like that? Her brother? Why’d they whispering?

Days after her behaviours, my mind is completely going off, i was madly in love, at the same time pulled in by jealousy. Just to complete the breakdown, “that guy” now hanging out with us. I’m doing some crazy things such as, if just the two of them are eating or hanging out, i’d make sure i came along, just to make sure the agonizing things didn’t happen. Then it’s like competition of who made the best impressions for her. At one time i feel defeated, depressed and ready to give her up, i saw her face, her smile again and again, which gave me strength to go on, back to depressed, then back to jacked up. Up and down, up and down, my emotion was unstable, trust me, it’s the shittiest days ever, i kinda regretted why did i ever leave my melancholia codex. Those beautiful months are replaced by a few days of sorrow. I could not enjoy any good foods, could not entertain myself with whatever stuff, movies, games, comics. I imagining her and “that guy” kissing, having sex, becoming wonderful couple, starting a family. The more i thought about her, more pain my heart got.

Commence facebook stalking! i wanted to know, what kind of man “that guy” is, to my shock, somehow i learnt that he is into another girl, what the hell? did “that guy” purposely leaving his girl to embrace my matching soul! You bloody son of a bitch!
Did she worth that much! (well yes, i chose her).

Now the pain are nearing the climax,,, here we goes the plot twist,,,

All this time, she got close to me, to get along with my friend, in order to get to know “that guy”, and the purpose of “that guy” is to know everything about some another guy.

Her actual crush.

Guess what, she sported some of my methods to stalk her crush, you know, memorizing his id, his ride, his personal infos, like she’s gonna lose him someday.
Then when she’s going to announce to all of her buddies, that she’s going to confess. It is unusual for girls to confess to boys in my neighborhood, means she must be going crazy about her crush.

aaaaand the sudden solid stab to my internal.
Why didn’t i confess to her sooner? I was afraid, i’m just an average guy, with nothing to brag about, but so does her. Thats why we were compatible. A family with dysfunctional father keep haunting me to get even as far as asked her out.
My fault.
You will learn hard-way, face-first, no-nonsense about Heartbroken.

Pain is just too simple word for passing days with heartbroken state. Since the relationship between me and my-now-have-boyfriend-crush is close, she was able to sense anything wrong with me. So putting the fake happy face and the fake i’m fine attitude, is hell of a job. Time will heal everything, but to go through that healing process, i literally became frigid. No females caught my attention, no idols are ever attractive than her. I just want her.

No matter how hard i hid my emotion, she sensed something wrong about me, to cover my true feeling about her, i lied to her about how hard is it to find a better and decent job.

“don’t give up,
I know you are strong”

No you don’t know me sweetcake, i’m not as strong as you thought.
I swear i want to cry hard. My foolishness brought my own sorrow.
Remember, i tried to impress her, making her smiled, laughed, by become another personalities. Now the cause is lost, i’m back to my old pitiful self, the sulky me. I’m trying hard to ignore about her ignoring me, because obviously she had another thing to do.

My other wish of finding a better job is fortunately granted. I drowned myself into work matters, eventually forgetting her. The last painful thing to do is erasing her trace of memories. Photos, contacts, conversations history, presents, anything sweet. Part of me is afraid of losing even her memories, because the actual her is already taken. No further thought, i deleted memories of her and regret about it later. Good thing the workplace concerns are replacing her smiling face gradually, slowly, i found another activities to keep me busy and build my ignorance of her.

I don’t know if it is cruel fate or something, but years of healing are nearly botched by constant reminder of her, she became a successful role model that local TV and newspaper worth to mention her name. So i did choose her wisely, and here i am, still rummaging day by day through 9 to 5 average job. I should be glad because she is more successful than me, imagine how embarassed her publicly cause her matching soul is just some average guy which is not comparable by her awesomeness. But deep down, i still want her, whatever she do, whatever i do.
Here we goes the depression weeks, with helps from unthinkable factor, sweet memories about her are slowly diluted.

Years later, she is married, i didn’t get the invitation, all of her buddies got one, except me. Weird, I didn’t feel as much pain as years before. One of our buddies of the past  -let’s just call her Visia-  asked me to come, i already told her i didn’t get the invitation, Visia insist that i came with her as her couple, the invitation is always for couple. Visia turned out knows about my feeling towards my-now-married-crush, Visia feels to have the obligation as friends, as tribute to love, tribute to the past friendship, to ease the pain, to begin with sweetness one should end with sweetness.

As the occasion went, finally i had to congratulate her. She must’ve thought that i wouldn’t be there, her face turned from smiling widely to all serious, without words, i make the “don’t-worry-be-the-smiling-person-i-always-known-you-it’s-your-wedding-day-after-all-face”, and then she goes the “holding-smile-face-eyebrow-down”, somehow i know she’s trying to say it again through her eyes.

“don’t give up,
I know you are strong”

That moment is precious to me, warm feeling through my gut, no more pain through my heart, somehow i know it’s a sign that i moved on successfully, i got a feeling my crush now know how i longed her before, maybe Visia told her, and even if she never know anyway, that’s okay. I’m healed.

Thanks Visia.

And thanks ‘You’ little smiling devil.

12 Mar ’15


The purpose of failure and the sense of defeat are important for self-improving stuff. Still, i take it hard, from what i called “critical defeat”.
So, there is a friend known for a long time, let’s call it “Raum”, we have a similar interest in many stuff, without overly-thinking, that reason alone is enough to get along with that person many times in many occasions. Fun pal, we’ve known our habits, this and that. I admit in some way Raum is waayy better than me, when we gathers with all our buddies, it’s kinda balancing each others, i have something Raum don’t have and i know Raum doesn’t need it. Either way, most important possesion considered by vanilla society braggable that Raum have doesn’t make me compete and jealous.

Until one day.

We were picking up our buddy for a movie in one of our friend’s place that looks like a small lounge, we saw that his father/mother is a musician / church choir, based on the displayed items there. Either if our friend have the worst constipation ever or just busy made us waiting for few hours. Our time-waster-dick-jokes & topics are depleted, we decided to fool around trying each musical tools there one by one like an idiot, after all it’s not quite silent there anyway, some kind of live band & theatrical rehearsal are playing in next room.

A whole minute later, Raum snatched one of the electric guitar and saying “hey look, check this out”. Still took Raum as a retard, i commenting about police will drag you pantless if he ever touch anything that doesn’t belong to him.
With slight tricky smile and slowly shaken head, Raum pick the riff, start blasting off the cover from some anime show i used to watch in which Raum watched it too, while blasting different tunes, Jimi Hendrix’s Voodoo Child, video game themes, local bands riffs, while asking if i recognized those tunes.

That… display of skills.
The wave of jealousy possessing my body starting from my ear, the steaming energy of enviousness overflowing on my nerves.
Holy Goddess of Metal Guitarist! What Raum just did, although still in rookie scale, Immersed me to no end.

Our friend shows up, just before Raum ends the play, also stunned. I cannot comprehend our conversation well on the way to the movie, I was distracted on how I actually clueless about nerdy Raum, suddenly I feel beta as fuck, unable to contribute to the discussion with clear voice and well thought comments.

Had a difficult time to sleep night after, wandering my thought, why so sudden anxiety. When I realized, cool human skills are what I really want, an upgrade, a new talent. I’m sucker for those. I found my own nerve button. I know Raum wasn’t born gifted or pre-pubescent trained. Maybe I watched Raum’s instant before-after transformation without the process.

Primordial soup brewing in my very cortex. Imagining myself able to play any instruments. What would i play first? I love videogames music, which one i want first? Violinist Taylor Davis comes into mind, she covers videogames and anime themes for fun. Then there’s this guy Tamusic, Japanese doujin artist which covers shooter-videogames-pop-culture Touhou series themes, which i love it A LOT. What about composers i like, Yoko Shimomura, Hans Zimmerman, Yuyoyuppe, Harry Gregson Williams. A movie catchy themes, a cover for metal bands, or rock one? Black Sabbath, Metallica, 30 Seconds to mars, Alexis on fire, RHCP. Or how about just mainstream popular song. I will appear at Yahoo’s front page, discussed at forums, anons will decide what should i make next, Philharmonic Orchestra sending open recruitment from different countries. Creating scores for hollywood, bollywood, tamil, french indies, korean dramas, japanese tokusatsu series, Chinese Kung-fu movies, Australian discovery channels. Making a rock band with cute female lead, videogame companies will make badass games based on our band members, which critics loved and creating cult in selected fans. Eventually the seeds of a new talents will rise and giving covers to our bands. Then we guest starring the Ellen DeGeneres, attending Woodstock, creating online contest. Wow, infinite path for the sake of fun, fame and dollars.

A big sigh followed after. Imagining things are sure great.

I’ve never been so jelly.

5 Feb ’15
Itchy Finger Trigger

Itchy Finger Trigger

There was the era of myspace and friendster, twitter and facebook wasn’t the stuff back then, but those two wailing socmed are the progenitor of “comment haven”. Where everybody can state their opinion and their mind freely, apart from what is right or wrong to certain people . Somehow, the easiness to speak our mind, killing the decency filter. My former lecturer said to entire class of copywriting once, that if any of us are able to write an essay in Compass newspaper, then they are automatically get an A even without attending class and assignment for the whole semester. FYI Compass newspaper at that time is the highest standard of information R&D in everything in the whole country, you guessed right, heavy filtering, typo corrections, scientific based, the proof of various research methodologies and all the hassle to make sure they don’t post garbage. There are no such atrocities like nowadays, stupid opinion with blessing and replies from worse individual, amplified it by other links, shit quickly hits the fan. And there you go, next morning you turn on tv, a national wide issue discussing oh-so-important haunted (it’s not) photograph of certain politician in vacation. Things get downhill from there because the politician replied with rage comment replied by racist comment.

Once, we have no definite names for the person who act that they think they’re cool or cute with distinct leet speak, While these shit are already have names, let’s just call it AW for “attention-whore”. Basically, those pre-tweet AW are growing up half-assed nowadays and they still think they’re the swag. Twitter and facebook present days are the most easiest and accesible media for the uneducated AW and offensive comments.

In short they’re usually express disagreement with “whoreply”
( Hate your parents for grounding you? Call them whore )
( Hate your friends for something we don’t care? Call them whore )
( What? Not currently hate something? Call them whore )

The result  of  the effortlessness of so called free speech in technology unpredictably unexpectably frightening for me.
Leading to hesitation of opening social media.

There are several things are not appropriately posted in the web, because the internet or social media especially doesn’t have restriction of what can and what cannot, doesn’t mean we should. But then, there are no consequences if we do something considered bad in net world.

The first minor annoyance of my social hesitation actually not the whoreply stuff, but in the form of spoilers. How much I loathe them, the facebook and twitter especially doesn’t have the integrated spoiler button like forums do, there are unspoken rule regarding spoilers, either with warning word of “Spoiler Alert” tag, spoiler toggle or font highlight spoiler. Granted, only specific forum and social media have this integrated spoiler system, like movie, tv series, novel, books or games. Facebook and twitter is general type of socializing closest to free speech in its purest form. By posting spoilers of certain shows, the original poster hoped to gain as much as many attention, and considered they are the hottest things now, recognitions from those who attracted to similar attention seeker. But for those who enjoy storytelling and entertainment, those AWs took the fun. Many times I have to glance things like:

“he dies, but only pretending dead, damn clever”
“sad drama, the main character got tumor and dies ”
“the whole scene is just a dream”
“do not watch this, his girlfriend are dead in the end, bad movie”
“awesome books, he pretends to be a bad guy, but actually a good guy”

The goddamn spoiler frequently flooding over my home page. The social media with constant skipping, spoiled material which causes the show or series ends abruptly, is no fun anymore. Because nobody could stop spoilers, stopping at socializing seems peaceful.

Several month and years when I have to open some company profile page in social media to dig some info, curious about my wall page, there are new ridiculous breed of cancerous post, namely confused-self-proclaimed reviewer. Like hell I need their assurance of the things I’m enjoying with their status read as:

“New season 4 review, how his life going to be with his new wife, which is actually a man”
“I’m open minded but I don’t like sci-fi, aliens, animations”
“Marvel comic event reviews, darker story growing-up, because this team is disbanded, that guy is missing, and that guy is dead in the end”

At least the spoiler back then actually spoiling things, not confusing itself with actual review.

Things get really sick afterwards, I was right to subsequently decline to social media. Like degenerating ape, the more stupid and controversial the content, the more moron accumulated. The sheer amount of whoreply allowance few years back then like give the actual decent person a little taste of whoreply weed, as if it gives permissions to everyone to give a piece of their thought, whether we like it or not.

Actually i’m surprised about some opinion from the people I looked up, and some unknown anonymus. Formerly, I thought the free speech and whoreply are all bad, but it kinda roots the actual awesome person between tryhards.

Several occasions from high profiler:

– Some renowned marketer in my country, a well-esteemed person in his field, expressed his disgust of people who don’t use apple products, and he kinda said, why would people want to use other non-apple is beyond his comprehension. See I have nothing against apple products, I think their 5th ipod is a gem, mac OS 10.7 lion somewhat still widely used in manufacturing and nonstop server here. But the casual fans, some of them are not all the sharpest blade in the kitchen.

– Some head figures for IT sector, are still confused between a tablet, an ipad to chinese knockoff and still had no clue why people want faster and cheaper internet, (basically averaging 30KBps here). Or why build comm. tower outside the capital city which are mostly still undeveloped villages, unknown to him that those undeveloped villages is a mining area.

Few months absence from digital world, I kinda need info about local raw food supplier, undoubtedly social media is more effective than search engine, once again, i’m gonna peek just a little bit about those AW. As expected, things get hillarious and amusing.

From l33tspeak, hatepost, playing victim drama, spoilers now they are evolving to: Wannabe Pros!
I mean, what the hell suddenly the talks about things that boring to hell in peculiar high words.


Trust me, this.. thing… illegible in both my native language and english. I think he smoked weed backwards.

Somehow people are interested in the art of Pro Blabbering, even now as i’m writing, there is presidential election season going on. Suddenly people are politic pros in 1 night with their liberty to insert the previously whoreply knowledge.

Most politic discusssion by a wannabe pros in a nutshell:

 “you know that woman whose pro-opposition strongly suggest that either candidates are at disadvantages, because to bear the burden of the previous legacy which is uncommon for 2 periods of total 10 years. At least it will need the same period for the expected results come into fruition, she bet more than half period are going for internal reforming, and begin their mission and vision afterwards, that is if they still remember it”
“who is that woman actually?”
“well, she is activist for self-supporting under-developed village and a journalist from Chronos”
“she’s wrong”
“because she’s a whore”
“usually activist doubled as foreign journalist are whore”

It’s a legit net discussion between well known public figures, watched by wide range of person’s sanity, experiences and common senses from cucumber to einstein and the barbed molten lava snowball filled with religion, racism, ideologies and nations are practically rolling here. They are attaining a high-level-bulshitting there. Hillarity ensued.

How my own views about unfiltered trash become distorted from disgusted to become guilty pleasure of a false sense of superiority, a brief form of entertainment.

27 Jun ’14
Raging Drive

Raging Drive

Modern saying said: ‘assume people driving on the street are all idiot, you’re gonna be fine’. Partly this is true, because convoluted traffic mess in this city, but I discovered something new while I was taking driving lessons from some prick. ‘Assume people are posessed by satan and his kin behind the wheel’. Now now, corrected.

Under whatsoever reasons, somebody made me take driving lesson while I was in high school, mind you it is EASY to get driving license here even without proper requirements, and considered normal in such young age to be able driving car here. I even have driving license since high school without realizing until recently.

Now back to driving lessons several years ago, there is this old man and woman who lived near main road in my home area, as you can tell, they are teaching how to drive and my mom decided to enlist me. You know without such motivation to drive a car, I thought anybody can drive a car with proper training, I mean why not? It’s gonna be fun, I think. Oh I never been such an idiot.

  • The day one is literally pain in the rear. Made up of two hours just to get the fucking car to move forward! Goddamn piece of rust won’t move for more than three meters, it kept gagging and going off. The instructor told me to balance the clutch pedal and acceleration pedal to move forward, the me being dumbshit, thought the car would move like in need for speed or nascar or whatever stuff made my childhood. Oh god why the car didn’t just use two pedals for move and stop. Losing the patience, the instructor told me to motivate myself such as, imagine i want to impress my girlfriend’s parents when i pick her up, but I have no girlfriend and not planning to get one, so I’m screwed.
  • Day two, the car finally moves forward on several attempts, but the holdup was happening while stopping for traffic and/or traffic jam. I can tell the instructor are fucking annoyed and I have yet to estimate my left side to make sure I don’t hit something (in asia the driver’s seat are on the right – and to make matter worse, several roads are only enough-for-two-cars-wide), several yelling are ensued every 5 minutes,
    “hey watch your left”
    “don’t you see that”
    “goddamn watchout”
    “i seek forgiveness from Allah”.
    And trust me, i’ve tried to ask him how to measure my left, he only answered “watch it!”. What do you think I fucking make instant noodle while I watch my left?  THEN WHAT after I watching it?
  • Day three, hillarity still ensues, he told me about drive lane and proper turn sign, but tell you this, the car is damn old, like the owner itself. An old 1980 toyota corolla or datsun, I cannot remember, but the toggle stick are very close to steering wheel and very loose, only a tiny shock from slight speed bump will turn the damn thing on.
    carOh unaccounted times I never intended to turn the signal, but the instructor keeps yelling to me “BY ALLAH, WHAT DO YOU TURN YOUR SIGNAL FOR? We’re not turning”, tried to explain to him but it seems to beating a dead horse, tell you what, this is his angriest day of the whole lesson.
  •  Day four, the horror still lingering. Now for parking and inclined road, the lessons is a bit easy from the last day, because he intend to do a “free driving” lesson: left me for fooling around in open field while he’s going for breakfast.
  •  Day five is the same day as before, the free range lesson. I know he can’t be bothered to teach the moron. Until the lesson is over, I still cannot drive a car until this day.

The lesson left me a bitter taste in my mouth, I even dared to feel happy when the long holiday is over and back to school! It is that bad.

10 years later, present day, my mom decided to enlist me again in driving lesson, I strongly against it, but somehow I can’t just refuse it, because this is the only moment I have an abundance of free time. So bracing myself for hell, I took the driving lesson while overbiting my jaw all the time.

  • Day one begins unexpectly good, the faint lingering body memories from past lesson did great though, the instructor didn’t posessed by satan it seems.
  • Day two taking the unexpected twist. Somehow he showed different personalities than the first day, suddenly he’s so aggravated, yelling and cursing like I was going to rape her daughter! What the heck did I do? I remember it all comes to different styles of driving, his instructions are not all that clear.
    For many times when he said TURN LEFT at intersection, he meant to pull over to the left and stop to instruct me, NOT really TURN LEFT!
    When he said LEFT, I tried to slowly pull over and decellerates, but all he really meant is TURNING LEFT! And yelling to go quickly before I jam the traffic! Jeez what the fuck! I immediately know, teaching or communicating isn’t his strong suit.
  • Day three is worsening, we took a route around the city that ONLY HE KNOWS THE DAMN ROUTE, for example, suddenly he told me to turn left without forewarning, , dumbfounded, I turned left, and he yells
    Not now!
    The bike is overtaking you!
    Watch ahead!
    And watch your back!
    Don’t forget your left!
    God hit the brake!
    I said turn left!
    Too much left!
    Confused and amazed how the hell did he telling that at the same time? Confused  as hell, the car suddenly stopped in intersection. Beside yelling things at the same time, he sure knows how to ruin other people’s day, why didn’t he told me the routes where to go, rather than made him pissed himself. End of the day, he asked me if I remember what he taught me yesterday? i made a load of mistakes. Here’s a good one: I never told and taught anything, the first and second day is only a cruise through city.
  • Day four and five is you know, a goddamn free range driving shit! While he helps himself a coffee. So, no parking lesson, no incline lesson, no fucking tricks whatsoever.

Learning to drive with angry instructor is like driving while your passenger nagging about your driving, multiply that by hundred.
So, the result is the same, I still cannot drive goddamn cars, and the advantage of new learner this era is there are exist automatic transmission car which only have two pedals, for accelerate and stop and small compact city car with power steering, something that is very luxurious ten years ago.

I automatically assume all the driving instructor are prone to bad communication/behaviour, and boy I was right. Some hours into googling, there are several worse case of lesson that mine is only a fraction. Some of the example of the most ridiculous line by angry driving instructor are : “you want to argue or drive? If you want to argue, then stop here we’ll argue”. “you are wasting my time and gas”. It’s like they omitted we fucking paid them in advance.

The knocker one at the end of the lesson,
Me : Right sir, that is that, thank you for the time, sorry for made mistakes all the time.
Instructor : oh don’t worry take care while you’re home, heard the traffic cloggin there this time in Woodenhut because of flooding.
Me : don’t worry, i’m not going to Woodenhut, i’m going straight to home, in Sweetdried.
Instructor : What? Sweetdried? I thought you’re the one in Woodenhut? Oh.. no, sorry, the Woodenhut guy is every noon, he’s taller too.
Me : ha ha ha ( THE FUCK!! don’t tell me he mistook me all this time for some other guy!!!!! I’ll really fucking rape your daughter fer real now! )

1 May ’14





Hello blog, it’s been a while since i posted the last rant, it means i’m really busy, and being busy are good rather than idling. I’ve seen some unnecessary conflict, drama and silliness while the mind aren’t in particular sense of pressure. Few days or month ahead, unfortunately i too, will enter the idling state, the fact that i’ve posted this entry is one of the perks of being idle.

I quit my job.

Amazing how spread my mind’s spectrum are when i’m not thinking about job, so much things to be thought of. Like, it’s already March 2014, i’ve just remembered i work my ass off even at new year’s eve. And even that is after i quit my job, which is supposedly made me a slacker at that time.

The frickin deal is, some problems that make me (and, or us, my mom), clearing our bank account. Quite bummer at these times, the work that i stacked over for a few years and months are gone. Just like that. With just a little zenny left, one can really see through what is worth doing at times like these. Including calm moment. What did i achieve at 2013 and what is 2014 going to be. The year 2011 until 2013 for me is a -how’s a mmo define it- a grinding year, while the 2014 ones maybe the era of change, a HUGE change. I’ve never been a mystical person but the sign are all over it. Since 2014 only passed for two month and few days, let me sort out what is last year looked like for me.

Some jokes which are funny, suddenly not when you hit almost 30.
Because when you hit over 26, chances are you already doing things back then when you consider weird, nasty, strange, sexy, naughty. Once you through it, somehow the innocents that makes the joke hillarious are taken away, replaced with awareness. And when you see some of your youngest friends strike the joke and cracking, that’s when sudden realization zapping in. You’re getting old.

Almost anyone always need anything intangible to get a hold on and keep their sanity.
Some must be more powerful than themselves, most commonly god from whatever religion, a bit less popular choices are certain brands, powerful political groups/friends/family, motivation piece, etc. The need to have faith to resilient uber-powerful figure are natural and necessary, for example in working area : you have the best team that can overcome any obstacles and reigning king of efficiency, suddenly one of your team is renouncing, then you’re not as efficient or as good as you know it before, the days wouldn’t be the same, putting so many efforts to fill the gap creating more problem in the run, eventually leads to more leaving. There, some people need some greater unwavering force, so when everything went haywire, they have some invinsible trump card, to ensure everything will be okay at some point.

The Dead Of Idealism.
Crap, i even took some time to remember this word. I remember the first year of my work as a graphic designer, that i would be creating something thoughtful, different and not plagiarize boldly, back then, the internet wasn’t so cheap as now, and graphic design content wasn’t so abundance. Googling anything with word ‘design’ now, there are millions of content that literally wants to be used, when the first world country and some area still tight about plagiarism, some content for example, “flower picture for logo”, there are hundreds of authors wants you to use their design element, even legal to modifying it then incorporate to our original logo, so then they will gain their revenue from their web visits. While some people are still in the fuzz about ideas and originality, the method is legal.

For me personally, early years are the hardest stage of graphic design, we have to come with original ideas in a hope the client will love it and the deal was quick to be closed. But now, as long as the job is done with the emphasize of FAST, regardless of quality. Doesn’t matter if public love it, or even the creator itself love it, as long as they paid in full, everything will be fine. Once you pay your own bills, electricity and all other life cost, you have to shred your own ego.

The Bliss Of Ignorance.
There was a time when facebook photos sometimes determine who we are. Seriously, when you are emotionally down, do not check any social media, i mean SERIOUSLY DO NOT, check porn instead.

I can’t seem to unsee what the other people achieve in their age, there are so many randomness factor into account that make the people what they are now and as a whole timeline, but those factors are somewhat dispersed easily by people’s judgement. I haven’t mastered the ability to ignore the other people opinion, mocking and comparison. The most common opinion i’ve heard is about comparison that i am as good as those people with higher earnings, even better, but why i still have lower income than them comparable ones, the fact that they are achieving so much at younger age is somewhat striking hard on me. Then came natural conclusion, ah so there is money right? then it is okay, i can understand and measure them, so when i focus into profit, deliberately refuse their just-cause offering, the same person that hauled income stuff earlier in turn said that, the important thing is not just profit, but friendship also.
…. Fuck them all.
Hmmm kinda hard to put things into example, let’s put it this way :
A father told the son to become a lawyer, ’cause of the high earning, so the son become a successful lawyer and live happily. One time his laptop are broke and the data which contains a handful of important cases must be recovered in any means, it’s about a matter of life and death cases. His inability to repair the laptop is unquestionably impossible, so the laptop is sent to repair centre and repaired well, in the end, the lawyer and his father gave a piece “ah it’s good to be the lawyer eh? not the repairman, they have a hard job but the pay is low”. Not everyone supposed to be a lawyer, no better than everyone supposed to be IT Department. Yes, that kind of comments and situations comparing each one with the others are which i’m trying to overcome, it’s a branch of jealousness, which brings to next irritation possible.

In average age of 25-40,
mostly people are self sufficient and sailing life, pronounced by some material objects. Cars, home, bank savings, etc. It become deciding factor of people’s quality around me before 30.Well, they’re not wrong, but how about many stories that doesn’t end at the age before 30?

Some oldschool advices are not working anymore.
Something that you said over and over until it doesn’t mean what it should anymore. Seriously, it become offensive.

  • It’s for your own good : Fuck it, you don’t know me, you’re not there when i’m sad, happy or in neutral state. The one who throws this favourite quote is just for themselves to feel good and feeling needed, they just express it out of the window, to fulfill their ego of righteousness, since they’re not carry your life.
  • You don’t experience my life : Somebody just throws the word away, while they need somebody to talk, without consent nobody asking them and we can ignore you too if that’s what you wanted.
  • God will do this/that, planning this/that : Yes he may, NOT YOU, yet you keep sprouting it.
  • Not all things are about money : This is the most irritating, most hypocrite of all stuff said.
  • Be creative : Don’t say some intangible things and knows no bound that make you even cringe.
  • Work hard : Once, i went 10 km with my motorcycle while heavy storming outside, just to receive a 2 sentences news. What are we? Medieval knights who experiences electricity only from witches?
  • Humans are prone to mistake : Okay i get it, fix the fuck out, rather than keep yappin’.
  • Life is like a… : Life is life, there’s no comparable thing ever. Seconds to the sentences are ‘even animal wouldn’t……’
  • Too much uncalled and unasked abstract false advices to be put in this list, sentences above are what i heard most.

To counter some advice ahead, some are really working intangible advice i found to be helpful.

  • The One Day/Month/Year Account : Super helpful, for example, i want to change my smartphone, will it still bugging me one year after and before? if yes, just buy it. Another example, i want to file complain to a certain person/institution, would i want to invest my time one month ahead? no? one year? am i going rampage one month/year ahead if i let it pass? if not, just don’t do it.
  • Ignorance : Super helpful too, i think this one needs no explanation. For example, my mom’s friend whose initially very rich person, and because the business is bad, she died poorly, do people keep judging her in the One Year Account above? Nobody cares, my mom keeps busy as usual, problems always born out of nothing, there always one problem after another to keep our attention busy. Bottom line is, basically, nobody really cares.
    ugh, unfortunately i have yet to found another.

The overused drama in small confined space.
Gossiping, Self-Righteous Person, Illogical Behaviour, Racism, Hypocrite, Mr Knowitall, Overreaction shit (once i’m being laughed super-hard-i-thought-he-had-asphyxiation-or-possessed-by-satan, because i spelled someone’s name wrong) are anywhere, i mean ANYWHERE, and i’ve yet to be get used by it.

It’s impossible to please anyone.
The more i keep the words close, the more convenient to do something that make inconveniences to other people, it disperse guilty. Heck you get one useful perk of it : The ability to Choose Your Own Enemies. By voluntarily choose your own enemies, actually you can do more productive account by exceeding the subject, rather than you make somebody mad by chance, that you’re trying to fix the damage rather than moving on.

The perspective of one year life should and will change as the older we get. In 20 years, i will be seeing this post and it will feels like childish post.

4 Mar ’14Read More
Abyssal Chain

Abyssal Chain


About 16 or 18 when i played Baldur’s Gate and the second, mildly spoiling the story, you are a character that solves everybody’s problems, being in magical fantasy setting, their problems are not your typical run-of-the-mill, thet’re consists of vampires, demon lord, dragons, secret bandit society, and such. You are given a several methods for accomplishing mission, depends on your “attribute”, whether you’re strong, intelligence or charismatic person, you can solve the mission by physical conflict, secrecy or persuasion.

The ability of our own character to accomplish the mission by choosing a rude and evil path is what intrigued me. My rude companions remarks my choice with laughter and praise me that my actions are evil but necessary, but my otherwise good aligned companions are displeased and keeps reminding me of there are much civilized solutions seeing of how smart or swift my character is.

The high-ground morality and videogames often not in the same paragraph, but the design is somewhat similar. The brazen method are easier and faster to enforce lesser conscience person with immediate results. Applied too often and we breed a tolerance over decades, and made it our default value, until perspective from another value comes observing & judging through social and mass media we loved.

Nietzsche’s quotes are something like “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster”. To eradicate the corruption and evildoers, one must be corrupted, to put ourself to their shoes & strive towards the goal, become a killer to take away the killer, supposedly to give the next challenger to replace them eventually. Thus the circle of fallen society repeated themselves. It happens in all society layers, from average person to self-proclaimed saints, WITHOUT them realizing what they’ve become to.

The quote above leads to my curiousity over this guy Nietzsche. He did observe circle of society, mocking them with wit and make other people question themselves. I kinda like Nietzsche implosive way of thinking, he doesn’t  put the blame onto the circumstances, maybe it had something to do with his illness that he simply cannot blame others? I’ll never know. All things happened and will happens again, such as it is how human behave and always will be.

Nietzsche’s quotes never been so considerable for me until recently happened in my own country’s mass media. I’m not usually comments about politics or celebrities, but constant bombarding from social and mass media suddenly brings me back with the quote above.

Many pop culture entertainments are using this theme as a main plot, that shouldn’t be surprising.

But what pinched me, when i visited my mom’s friend, a devout family against corruption and injustice, advise their son applying for government. Well you know in my country, government is the most corrupted system in the whole country, endorsed by some religious party. They turn a blind-eye to “legal” corruption and continue their service as if injustice are fine if everyone’s doing it.

Some news about it.

Some internet news i stumbled. Documentary about a criminal’s life due to her death penalty. What did she do at her last hour, last wishes, last meal. She got interesting perspective about her life is all about.
About one of the corrupted system in the world at some words before, Police is one of them. Some drunk police threatened and unfortunately killed a civilian after party. People are enraged, demanding all of them discharged and be sentenced as common criminal. Alas, the unfortunate corrupted nation throwing the grace and spared the policemen. Victim’s family are even threatened to cease all struggle against it. Until one decided to take the matter into her own hands. Killing the killer police, and be sentenced to death.
The convict, the victim’s avenger, had no certain attitude towards her death, and living normally like most people would, her last wishes are common wishes you’ve heard everyday, even if she said regretting the crime she did in interview, somehow, i know she didn’t serious about it. Somehow i know she said it because it was nice thing to said and discourage people to start a riot. Aside from those smirking confession in a most unconvincing manner.
A prime example about Nietzsche’s. As a lawmen that should conquer the lawless, one must be the lawless itself, until someone wants to take the throne of defilement themselves.

Introspecting myself, for me personally, it’s fine when someone yammering about something they don’t like, and persuade people to follow them,, but then when in doing so they cannot keep up their words and doing otherwise, that sucks donkey’s balls.

I’m not pretty clean myself though, “the abyss also gazed me”, sometimes i torrents while cursing killer thief. Same intention by different methods.

Hopefully the well placed ignorance will make the world a better place.

6 Jun ’13
Another Expectations

Another Expectations



Prior to previous post, finally i’ve seen “Great Expectations” the 2012 one. Great mixture of excitement and anxiety quickly filled the atmosphere just before the movie started.

I never read Charles Dicken’s Great Expectations. So my take at 1998 version is cut down from any literature influence. While the 2012 one, based on easily accessed information across internet that the 2012 version is based closer from source material than the 1998 one. You know the irresistible comparation of both movies, due one of the reasons i am unable to compare to dozens other in different formats, such as tv series, and/or three-parts series. With understanding in mind that is hard to cramp such long tale to just 100+ hours.

For what i believe, i’d rather not putting myself under categories of movie consumer types. Some called themselves ‘movie lover’, but they have more critics than enjoyment itself. Some called themselves ‘casuals’, but demanding more than just dead-antagonist-then-credits-roll. Some called themselves ‘deep’, but prancing insides when seeing dumb fun action flicks. I enjoy any movie types personally and trying hard not to overthink something. So below is my personal take on some of the memorable scenes. Not even a proper review. A bit of warning, it biased as hell.

1998 : The whistles that sets the mood and theme for a whole movie, actually contrast to the whole modern set, but beautiful nonetheless. One particular peeve is how the convict stay groomed compared to 2012 one.
2012 : Beautiful Kent marsh with long draw distance, but the encounter with escaped convict is kinda dull for me.
Modern pop set or gritty industrial age?

1998 : A small suburban by the sea in florida, with kind hearted fisherman, Joe with his materialistic modern-day wife.
2012 : A marsh village with kind Joe, the blackmisth with his abusive wife.
Tough call, both are great in its own way. I like the beautifully set marsh and gritty london better.

1998 : Paradiso Perduto, a mansion that looks abandoned, hence the wild unattended garden.
2012 : Satis House, an unpreserved mansion that looks like a, well, mansion at 1800s england
I like 1998 better,  just because the stark contrast between the scenes, potrays the gullible young Finn/Pip right.

1998 : Miss Dinsmoor, eccentric & rich old lady with her own theme song!
2012 : Miss Havisham, gloomy, sullen, gothic & rich old lady, hard to escape her husband influence, Mr. Burton.
I like the 1998 better, the way Ms. Dinsmoor meeting Finn the first time is great, dancing while listening Besame Mucho then mistaking Finn for Estella, “who are you?” And cheesy trade mark line adding character, Rather than plain meet and greet dull 2012 one.

1998 : Finn painting Estella and whispers what does he think about Estella to Ms. Dinsmoor, while the camera ocassionally doing extreme close up to Estella’s lips, eyes, chin. Emulating Finn’s perspective. God, when Estella lick her own lips, that was subtlety HOT!
2012 : Pip whispers what does he think about Estella to Ms. Havisham directly, that’s it.
Captain Obvious to the rescue!

1998 : Tongue kiss at fountain, ‘nuff said, their expressions are priceless.
2012 : Estella offering her cheek directly, after Estella overheard Pip defending her honor.
Keeping things tightly close to source material i see.

1998 : Beautiful music running in background while Finn narrating the transition, as the lawyer enter the scene, the music acts like it’s on radio and off as Finn turning off the radio.
2012 : Young Pip helping Joe doing his work as screen moving to adult Pip. Pretty standard.
I see a pattern here.

1998 : Finn meets Estella the same way as they were kissing at mansion’s fountain.
2012 : Pip meets Estella. Just like that.
A matter of taste, i like dramatization on 1998 incarnation.

Why the 1998 incarnation overdoing some scenes, kinda soapy, it was done like it was out-of-this-world behaviour, but tickling my curious senses in a good way. While the 2012 version stay close to source material and tried to retells while fit entire book, hence some interesting characters are underdeveloped.

I don’t hate the 2012 version, but not bearing much love either. Sorta like a completion, or alternate universe to Dicken’s original. Similar feeling like Tobey Maguire’s Spider-man & Andrew Garfield’s Amazing Spiderman, or if you prefer comic universe comparison, Astonishing X-men with Ultimate X-Men, both are great to me.

Character specific. Many characters from both movies are lovable, what is lovable characters means to me? A person’s behaviour and the way to express themselves as i yet to meet in real life. Pure subjective to me.
In 1998 version, i love the cold bite young Estella, innocent young Finn, down to earth Joe and clueless adult Finn.
While in 2012 version, lovely leaky stoic adult Estella, roguish Magwitch, conservative Pip’s Sister, gentleman Herbert Pocket and even the rest of supporting characters are spreading great. But i cannot forget 1998’s young Estella & young Finn expression after fountain scene. It was staggering. Why the cast at 2012 which overall are great but still makes me turn back to those two person from 1998 version?

Because it was relatable.

When you can relate to movie character, suddenly you care about them, you care about what is going to happen to those fictional characters in scripted events. In real life you’ve met those kind of person, heck, even the character themselves are representation of yourself.

I feel strong relation to Finn in 1998 version, rather than Pip in 2012 version.

  • Young gullible Finn loves drawing (obviously)
  • Loving a girl who has higher social status
  • Secret benefactor who put Finn become something more than a mere simpleton by drawing himself up to success
  • When Finn become a somewhat decent man accepted by society, that’s not even halfway to who Estella is
  • Watched his crush married with man who is actually a great man, he couldn’t even mad about it

I NEVER read Great expectations novel, i DON’T hate 2012 version, as i stated before, to me the 2012 is a completion to the whole story.

What i conveyed Great Expectations 1998 version before watching the 2012 version :
Dinsmoor makes Estella a tool for torturing male heart by taught Estella everything what makes female desirable to most male, making their life miserable when any men going out with Estella, forces men having a hard time to separate from the perfect Estella. The whole charade for an act of revenge, in process, dinsmoor believes that Estella would understand, all men are just pigs. I presume unless Dinsmoor was a Jewish, she is mad about saved her virginity before married for perfect man and the groom just left off at their marriage, and when she’s at at her age, no men would desire her truly except for her money, and that is what pissed her off.
When Finn learned from Dinsmoor about what Estella is, Dinsmoor felt sorry for Finn and trying to apologize to him, because Dinsmoor finally know Finn actually different from most douches and truly loves Estella for what she is.

What i comprehend Great Expectations 1998 version AFTER watching the 2012 version :
Dinsmoor breed Estella to make a real perfect woman, socially accepted and desirable not just from higher caste, but from a common people as well, like simple Finn. Dragging men to commitment and make their life miserable, and move to another men, without consent of what Estella actually feels. All that fuzz about is for Dinsmoor’s revenge. Not just because she saved her virginity, but also she got crooked by her groom, by marrying her legally, the groom then possesses some of her assets, and dissapear when the groom stole her money legally. That is why Dinsmoor’s mansion looks unattended.
When Finn learned about what Estella is from Dinsmoor, Dinsmoor apologize to Finn not because she feels sorry for him, but she finally realizing she broke Estella heart, cause Estella and Finn falling in love together. Estella’s wounded heart resounding to Dinsmoor, like when her groom leaves her. The pain are greater to weapon that Dinsmoor created to what she intends to do. Dinsmoor trying to apologize, but Estella is on her way to marriage which she loathe.

An amazing experience indeed, the movie never change, my perspective does.

By watching the 2012 version, more twisted plot unveiled and more complex motives run across and starting to make sense for the 1998 version. The 1998 version knows the whole book cannot fit to movie medium, thus a simpler plot are cut off from a whole tragedy, that’s why the 2012 version feels rushed a bit from Joe visiting Pip to the secret benefactor showing up and taking pace. Revealing the whole design and completing the story.

The score for the 2012 version gets the job done, but doesn’t stand out much than 1998 version that seems to dedicate entire movie with Estella fantasy theme. I took the hint of Estella theme in 2012 version at the scene when Pip rides to london and a bit from ending theme, i immediately recognized it, or my brain just made it up for intertwining to 1998 theme

Some story are better left at their literature counterpart, but some story need to be told from different perspective.

After some googling, there are dozens of incarnations but i only want to see the 1946 version and 2011 version. The 1946 version may represent classic movie retelling while the Three-part-BBC-2011 version represent extended duration. I’ve yet to get a hold of those.

What if i watched the 2012 version first then 1998’s afterwards, do my preference changed? Do they still relatable?

TLDR : my subjective, both movies are great, 1998 version is personal, 2012 version is filling the gap.

Internet be damned! There’s no erotic scene!

28 Apr ’13



Estella. The name arising in my corner memories, buried years between work memories, random internet things, naughty thoughts, countless plots to make the my most hated person suffering their entire life, and mostly empty space.

I should let you know how people here treating entertainment on TV, another time perhaps. There is another movie based of Great Expectations by Charles Dickens in 2012, starring Holliday Grainger & Jeremy Irvine and the others. As potrayed by Gwyneth Paltrow & Ethan Hawke in 1998 incarnation. Boy that was long time ago i never thought another incarnation of Great Expectations in 2012. I admit, the modernization of classic piece usually ends up in soapfest feeding, blame me, but the remake of Romeo and Juliet back at 96 was a private benchmark for me, not to be mistaken, i love the movie. Not that i despise soapy show, ANY pieces while taken carefully and considered thoroughly will make a fun watching material.

I can’t believe i missed this movie, local theatres seems unavailable to show this, suppressed between another popular movies it seems. I just saw the poster while browsing random things, with no chance to watch it anytime soon, i rewatched the ’98 one. As expected, the charm that surrounding the ’98 version although not completely shedded after watched more than 1 times, sometimes left me with shivers and constant rewinds of the most memorable things that raped my eye virginity at 12.

The entertainment industry at 1990’s in my country never been so restricted as now, TV is the main sources of any form of entertainments. No meaningful censorship, no filters, no dubs, no beeping swears, all presented raw. Unlike now, nobody ever gets offended constantly about entertainment back then.

Soooo, 15 years ago, that includes the young tongue kiss, the fingering, the bare painting & side boobies! Several most erotic (not raw porn ones!) scenes that i never forgets while breeding my own pimples.

Anyway, Hollidayy Grainger looks pretty, the setting likely follows closely with the book, unlike present day at ’98 version. Although for me which yet to see the 2012 version, the charm may not be as dazing as ’98, but i’m dying to see that and trying to prove myself wrong. Eh, i look like a pervert comparing which is better in classical erotic scenes between Gwyneth Paltrow & Holliday Grainger.

Actually if the movie turns out to be mediocre, i do hope the 2012’s music scores will stand on its own against the ’98 version. I mean, the scores in ’98 version are noticeably BEAUTIFUL.

Great Expectations IMG_001

9 Feb ’13
Inner Meth

Inner Meth

D1302 copyMore than 10 years, my mom is running a small catering. She decided to run a budget catering without knowledge about managing catering back then, the early years only spells disaster, but seriously, looking past 5-10 years i’m not sure we’re gaining much either. She never intended for the business to go big and expanding, the catering back then was a side job, an alternate income source, to pay the bills.

She had to pay expensive tuition fees for 2. But who would’ve guessed the alternative income source above paid them all with extras.

It was that moment i wonder why wouldn’t i took major about what my mom does, instead of what i’ve become now. Before catering business running, my mom were doing alternative income by making salted duck egg, but failed, then turn to bred ducks itself which leads to failure, then bird, then chicken, back to egg but this time quail’s, then moving to catfish which ended in nile fish, then sidetracked to growing jackfruits, mangoes, then finally settled on cooking business.

Despite all her experiences handling the home industry before, she NEVER liked it even for a bit, she did it because she got nothing to do to increase incomes. The amount of love of what she does, is enough reason to determine the future of everything she handles. She loves cooking, eating great food, eating weird food, small portion of eccentric food, the curiosity of how to making it.

Back then when we need significant boost of income, she would stayed 5 days without sleep, working to finish the order. When we’re graduated from college, the bills, contracts and credits all closed up, would she settle up and take a breather? Hell no. Still staying up sleepless for more than 2 days doing those things she loves. Cooking.

Mom gave liberty about what I’d love as long I love to do it. Lucky me, I’m able to choose what i thought i love back then and making fortune out of it. Passionate of what we’re doing is the key of all determination. Topic aside, I love playing WOW back then, i’d rather raiding ICG than sleeping, i thought i’m passionate about that, until the excitement wore off and leaving it, i’ve yet to know what the passion means.

I’m not saying the people that not in love with their job are sucks at what they do, some of them are making a better income rather than what they love to do. Apparently mom agreed that whatever job a person do, doing what you love to do is more important. To discover the thing we’re going to love and decide to marry it, sometimes we have to do something clueless chores early.

26 Jan ’13
Childish Treatment

Childish Treatment

D1301 copy

I was strolling through several game websites sometimes just for the fun of it through some public internet place, scrolling pages, links and such. The person by chance in proximity looked through my monitor and commenting something about a habit of mine of gaming and comparing it to children games.

Yes, their insight about gaming is prejudiced and limited their view that games are for only for 10 to 14.
By all means they are not wrong, but to force their ideals to the person who takes games as one of the creative industry and one of the entertainment form, then they are dead wrong.

When i saw them talking about their favorite show, which is, one of the idol competitions, celebrity scandals, soapy shows, nobody judges them about their choices of entertainment.
Unknown to them, the industry that born to entertain the kids back then, has matured. For me, the facts of different ways to present games by storytelling, gameplay and graphics is as interesting as which is the real father of the main heroine from soapy show or who gets the lowest vote in idols to them.

I grew up with videogames as if it’s my own brother, who rewards me with neverending, whimsical adventures after long streched times of studying, attending school or colleges, some people relieved by watching TV, reading books, praying, traveling, but this one, the personal introvert type, is my choice, and nobody has the right to judge (well they can, but sailed through my head mostly).

All in all, Happy 25th of Megaman.

30 Dec ’12
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16 Dec ’12
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14 Dec ’12
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13 Dec ’12
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10 Dec ’12